My hands were shaking uncontrollably as I looked at them. The word came across my mind rhythmically: Lost… lost… lost… I could hear my own breath, which was rapid and short. And I did not bother to wipe away my salty tears, which rolled down endlessly from my glassy eyes. Even though I knew my tears coming down, I yet could not feel them. There were so many things that had been going on and before I could realize, I had no control over those. Furthermore, I had no clue what happened; I just knew that my life was literally upside down.
What scared me the most is that I could not understand why I was sitting in the middle of the park in the dark. No one even bothered to come to take away my wallet, nor a policeman asked me to leave at the hour. Looking skyward, it was silent and clear night, yet it terrified me because the sight of starry night simply told me that I am completely alone and I am no different than a speck of dust.
I looked back at my hands again, and they were still shaking. Is it a real living nightmare I am living in? If so, this nightmare certainly has no escape for me. As I held my hands together, for some reason, I had the memory of hand holding… It was the time I was only twelve years old…
“Kevin?” muttered the boy, who was following me. He just had thirteenth birthday two days ago, and was a little bit older than me. However, he was somewhat smaller than me.
“Yeah?” I replied.
“Where are we going?” asked the boy.
“Matt, you will see. It is something really cool,” I said. As we were hiking through the forest on their vacation with our families, we became friends ever since we started walking. “Last night you were so sleepy, so I decided to walk around and I found a secret place. I think you will like this place.”
“Ah, okay,” muttered Matt. “Sometimes, I just hate it when you are ahead of me.”
“Aww, ain’t you whining like a crybaby?” I mocked lightly.
“Hey! I am thirteen years old, you jerk!”
“Then, act like one!”
After few seconds, he jumped in, “Wait, you walked all the way last night… Did Mom and Dad know?”
“What they don’t know, it will not hurt. Besides, I am back in one piece, ain’t I?”
“Whatever.”
Finally, we arrived on the top of the hill, I patted on Matt’s back and said, “Happy birthday!”
Matt opened his mouth, looking at the beautiful nature of the forest, lake, and the hills being combined together. Matt murmured, “Wow… It is so beautiful…” Before us, we stood in awesome presence of mother nature. No chopped trees, no toxic wastes, no polluted dirt. Just simply untouched beauty of God’s splendor…
I nodded, “Yeah, when I see this under the moonlight, I bet it looks great with the sun, seeing those…” I lost my words to describe how beautiful the nature was.
“Yeah,” said Matt, sighing. “Thanks, Kevin…”
I turned and looked at Matt, smiling and wrapping my arm around Matt. Matt wrapped his arm over me as well. While Matt’s eyes was glued at marvelous nature, I grinned as I slapped Matt’s chest.
“Ow!” winced Matt softly, “What was that for?”
I chuckled, pushing him. “Ow… You sound like a cry-“
“Don’t you dare!” Matt shouted with a laugh. Instantly, we got into wrestling on the soft soil beneath us. Matt got on the top of me, pinning me at last against the ground, and smiled with knowledge that he is a winner.
“Okay!” I yielded to Matt, “All right! You win!” I continued laughing, knowing Matt desired to win. Once I started laughing, I could not stop, which gave Matt the best advantage. “Get off from me, crybaby!”
Matt laughed, knowing that I did not mean it. He remained on the top, holding my arms against the ground, “First, don’t call me crybaby again!”
I murmured, “Okay, I won’t call you that name anymore because you’re my best friend, crybaby!” Then, I laughed again.
Matt’s groaning mixed with laughter-
I took advantage and I pushed Matt off his guard and pinned him against the ground, “Now, are you done, crybaby?”
Matt laughed, “Okay, okay! We both are even, then, jerk?”
I finally let go of Matt’s arms, standing up and offering Matt my hand. Matt accepted the offer as he grabbed and stood up. I sighed, “Whew! I have to tell you that you are getting stronger…”
Matt nodded, “Yeah, so you better not play around with me again!”
I nodded with a sarcasm on my face, “Oh sure, but don’t you forget that I am still bigger than you!”
Matt grinned, looking back to the nature, “Well, that doesn’t bother me as much as…” His words trailed off…
I frowned, looking at Matt’s face. I was able to tell by Matt’s face changing from happy to troublesome. I was waiting to see if Matt was going to continue what he started, but I stepped in, “Something bothering you?”
Matt cleared his throat, looking at me, “Well, we are getting older…” His words trailed off again and that irritated me, but I decided not to say anything until Matt finished. “You know, we are going to high school pretty soon.”
I lifted my eyebrows, “But it will be a year later?”
Matt nodded as if he already knew, “Yeah, a year later, but you know that we saw several movies and T.V. shows about buddies… Don’t you notice that most friendships falling apart in time?”
I sighed, “Ah, you were worried if our friendship will end up like those T.V. shows?”
Matt groaned uneasily, “Not like those shows, don’t you see some people are like that today as well. I mean, look at my dad, we both know that he used to have a friend. Because of the war, he ended up being a mean redneck and my dad could not stand how he deals with people. But, they have their paths to go and go different ways.”
I nodded, “Yeah, I remembered that my dad had a best friend he met in his elementary school. But my dad did not like the way he liked men. My dad said that he should be with the women… He even told me to find the right woman, not a man.”
Matt looked at me, “You mean he is a queer?”
“Queer?” I asked, puzzling.
“Yeah, I heard that word from my dad when he talked with other guys about men ‘screwing each other’ and they were known as queers.”
“Well, I don’t know, but all I know is that I like you as my friend.”
Matt chuckled, “I agree with you...” He paused for a while. “Oh yeah, I saw Katherine last week,” he interjected.
I widened my eyes, “You did?”
Matt nodded with excitement, “Oh, yeah, you bet… Man, her boobs are getting bigger-ow!” I struck his shoulder. “Why did you do that for?”
I said, “She is my dream girl and you know that!”
Matt replied, “Let me finish talking! You’ll love this!”
Hesitating for few seconds, I frowned, “Okay, what is it?”
Matt continued, “She was in the car with her mom. She saw me mowing the grass and she yelled me. Of course, I was surprised that she was driving by with her mom. She asked me to tell you that she is looking forward to see you in three weeks.”
I dropped my jaw, “She said that?”
His grin vanished slowly, “Yeah…”
I frowned, “Matt? What’s wrong?”
Matt sighed, “Well, that’s the point. I just hope that you don’t forget me over girls. I don’t care how many girlfriends you have as long as we are still best friends. You know what I am saying?” He heaved a sigh, looking down on the ground and kicking some of the dirt around.
I took a deep breath, “Matt, I don’t want to lose you, too.”
He looked at me, “But is that enough?”
I shook my head softly, “You’re right. It’s not good enough.” I turned away from Matt, wandering around aimlessly. “Well, what would it be if it is enough for both of us?”
Matt pondered for a while, trying to think of something that could satisfy both of us. “Well, how about us making our promises n our souls?”
I turned around and looked toward Matt, “Souls?”
Matt shrugged, “Well, don’t you believe in ghosts?”
I nodded once, “Yes, I do…”
“Then, you should know that we both have souls. So, why don’t we promise in our souls to keep our friendship forever until the end?”
“That’s all?”
Matt shook his head firmly, “No, we have to say it and mean it seriously. No matter what happens to you, I will be there for you. No matter what happens to me, you will be there for me. Even if you are married or going to jail, I will be there for you. This is the kind of promise I really want.” Then, he paused, “And do you want it?”
I nodded, “Well, all I know about us is that I am so glad to be your friend.”
Matt replied, “Then, it will be worthless if we don’t make any vow and let our friendship continue like this!”
“Yeah, I agree… Well, then where should we start?”
Matt looked around, thinking of some rituals to set up the vow, “Well, I don’t know what we should do, but I do know what we should say.”
I spoke up, “Hey, what about blood brothers?”
Matt made a face, “Do I have to cut myself?”
I sighed, “Crybaby!” Then, we both laughed, knowing that there was nothing I can do.
Matt thought it out loudly, “What about hold our right hands while we grabbed our shoulders and look at each other? So, we can hold to each other and stared until we are ready to make our vows?”
It took few moments to ponder on what he said. After the years of knowing him, I would never expect him to say something like this. “Matthew, you know… That is very good idea.” I meant it. I was impressed to hear that from Matt.
Matt smiled softly, “Well, shall we start?”
I nodded, walking towards Matt grabbing each other. Now, we were only a foot apart from each other and our eyes connected. I could feel something strange, yet positive by looking at Matt. I did not realize how valuable it is to have Matt as my friend. Truthfully, I never regret that the day we met. Looking into Matt’s brown eyes, it was not the color, but his soul touching mine. Finally, I broke the silence, “Matt, no matter what happens to you, I will be there for you. No matter where you go, I will be there. I love you as my brother. You are not just a friend like everyone else. I promise not to leave you.”
Matt could feel my soul as well. In his heart, Matt could sense my complete honesty. He began his vow, “Kevin, thank you for being my friend. Now, you are no longer my friend. You are my brother. A brother who will be there for his brother, whenever his brother needs him. I am your brother and I will be there when you need me. And I love you as my true brother.”
After our vows exchanged, we stood next to each other for few minutes. Eventually, we whispered some words to each other…
Oh God! I thought. I am so sorry, Matt! So sorry for being a total idiot! Looking at my shaky hands, I wish I was there to re-commit this same vow to Mat again. Suddenly, a policeman was walking by and I tried not to make any noises because I simply don’t want him to see the way I look. However, he did take a look at me, and yet it was not me that he noticed. Was he acting like I did not exist at all?
How dare he for doing this. I felt like jumping out on him for treating me like I was a ghost. I thought to myself, remembering what Matt and I talked about. Oh God, what is happening to me…
As I was trying to think of how the whole thing started, I realized that I am having this dreadful thought: what was meant to be a good thing had just turned into hell for me.” Even though I knew that panicking was completely pointless at this time, I took a step to examine in the past. Taking a deep breath, I decided to remember this day. It was propably few days before the very moment that triggers my life into hell…
